yawn

have you ever wondered why yawns are contagious? it seems that when someone yawns it sets off a chain reaction that quickly snowballs into a room full of oxygen sucking idiots. unbeknown to the average yawner, there is no such thing as a unique yawn. near the dawn of time a young boy was trying to see how fast he could fill his lungs to capacity. in doing so he opened his mouth widely in order to create the largest vacuum possible. this young lad was accompanied by his best friend who was never one to be outdone. upon seeing his slack-jawed companion's odd mannerisms, he followed suit. this was observed by an innocent bystander, who, having no mind of his own, quickly copied the boys in order to be deemed cool. soon peer pressure took its nasty course and everyone was doing it. the yawn quickly spread and transcended all cultural and natural boundaries. yet the nearly 100 trillion subsequent yawns that have spanned our short human history are actually that same yawn produced by a young boy’s innocent curiosity. his yawn has been passed from person to person for many generations.

unfortunately, the modern day yawn has become much more diabolical than the yawn of yesteryear. you see, we as humans are inherently selfish, and the contemporary yawn, being a sinister mutation of its earlier days, preys on this notion. without even knowing why, we feel we must respond to any yawner with a yawn of our own. when we see someone yawning it triggers something within us both dark and subconscious. we feel as if the perpetrator of the yawn is acting unfairly by inhaling more than their socially accepted share of our limited air supply (what a crappy band). our immediate response is to suck in as much air as possible for fear that the overindulgence of another may soon deprive us of our most basic of needs.

have you ever seen a yawn enter a room? it is not a pretty sight. the yawn secretly ferries a ride into a given area and then wreaks its havoc. a room full of otherwise mild-mannered people is turned into a group of primitive neanderthals fighting for their survival. back and forth goes the yawn as each person present gasps for breath with all the suction they can muster. and as quickly as the yawn came in, it vanishes moving on in search of its next victim. all that is left is a poignant aftermath of bleary-eyed simpletons. suddenly, the whole room is overcome with an overwhelming sense of drowsiness as the yawn continues to run rampant from continent to continent.

we must stop this madness at once! we must put an end to the tyrannical reign of the yawn. i implore you, fight this villain to the death. we have the power to eradicate this plague. next time the yawn comes your way, fight the urge. hold closed your mouth at all costs, do not let this fiend exploit you. be valiant and steadfast; and together we will defeat this age-old affliction.