who dressed you?

sometimes i wonder what people could possibly be thinking when they get dressed in the morning. now i realize that making this post could cause my readers to think that i am a man-lover but who cares. are straight guys like myself not allowed to be appalled by the clothing combinations some of our fashionably challenged acquaintances choose? i mean seriously, do people dress worse than the weekly walmart ad intentionally or are they just completely oblivious to things like color coordination and the fact that spandex never look good?

first of all, anything you wear that you have to peel out of your crack at the end of the day is definitely unacceptable, even if you are kate moss. cracks are not attractive and should not be accentuated by your attire. next on my list of grievances against the promoters of ugliness, if you feel the need to tuck in your t-shirt, please wear a belt. as far as i can tell, the kind of people who tuck their t-shirts in, would definitely find an un-tucked t-shirt far more flattering on their midsections. you don’t have to advertise how much you love beer, last time i checked no one was holding a contest. nevertheless, if you must tuck, naked belt loops make me think you must have had at least nine of the beverage you are campaigning for when you picked your garments for the day. a belt, though a simple accessory is essential for any tucker (plus in the event you must bend over, the rest of us won’t have to suffer through a mistaken glance at the seam that separates your butt cheeks just below your waist).

since i have already brought up the belt, i must point something else out. if you are wearing black pants wear a black belt. its that simple. i don’t understand how somebody could possibly think brown superior to black when wearing black. are you trying to show your brown belt off by creating a terrible contrast? do you want us all to be like, “cool brown belt man, is it new?” perhaps you have not reached the pinnacle of karate like myself and feel you are unworthy of dawning the ever elusive black-belt. even worse, maybe you clothed yourself in a drunken stupor amidst the dark of night and upon reaching daylight, your ignorance is now on display for the rest of the world to see. whatever the case, i think for your own sake you should know; black looks really nice with black, and brown, well it goes excellently with brown.

i guess i could sit here and continue to rant about the stupidity of the world’s tapered jeans wearers. i could mock things like hawaiian shirts, denim shorts, and your favorite frat boy’s pooka-shell necklace but i have come to the conclusion that those people are probably illiterate as well. maybe i will grab a megaphone and take to the streets. perhaps i could leave well enough alone and just let people blissfully continue to dress up like they are going out to denny’s.