Dell Sux Worse

To anyone in your company with half a brain:
Hello it is me again; I am now amidst day two of my unsuccessful attempt to acquire helpful service from your technical support department. After spending over five hours on the phone yesterday I have gotten no further than square one. I was transferred to over twenty different departments only to be transferred yet again. My experience last night culminated in being disconnected for the third time. Now I have become wise to the ignorance of your service department and today I came prepared to weather another five hour journey to nowhere. This time I am accompanied by a bottle of sunscreen so I can use this time to add some color to my ghostly pale complexion. I have also brought with me a bottle of wine to pass the time and help take the edge off the “please wait” voice that interrupts my otherwise silent hold time on twenty second intervals. However, judging by my experience thus far today, a single bottle was a gross underestimation of necessity.
I am also eagerly awaiting your promised response to the e-mail I sent you yesterday. I guess the six to twelve hour response time was an underestimation on your part. Perhaps my feeble attempts to make light of my experience yesterday have led to widespread chaos within your organization. I am assuming Michael Dell must have called an emergency board meeting to address this issue once and for all and in doing so your e-mail writing department came to a screeching halt in order to observe a day of mourning for my service department tragedy. If this is the case, please let me know so I can stop checking my inbox, my finger is getting sore from clicking refresh.
I have yet to raise my voice as I am generally a very nice person and see this as an inferior method of communication employed by those who like to mimic the heritage of their more primitive ancestors also referred to as apes. In fact I am so laid back that my, “all is well all the time,” outlook on life is often mistaken for apathy. So the fact that I have taken the effort to construct another e-mail to you only accentuates the magnitude of this problem. Never before have I been so inspired to write; maybe if we continue this unfortunate relationship I will gain from you the long needed drive to write a book called Dealing With Dell: How to Overcome Imposed Depression and Get Results From a Brick Wall; subtitled Walking on Water not Just for Jesus Anymore. I realize you will expect royalties for the use of your namesake; yet I think we could work out an arrangement where the royalties you would receive could retroactively reimburse me for my pain and suffering.
Since I obviously have an infinite amount of time, allow me to offer some suggestions. I apologize if any of my suggestions are repetitive, yet it seems unnecessary repetition is something your tech department is very fond of. What is the point of having an express service code? There is nothing express about it. The only feasible reason for the term “express” in your label is to describe the expressions you evoke which are usually reserved for getting your foot run over by an eighteen wheeler. I find it exceptionally pointless to be asked to enter a code into my keypad with every erroneous transfer only to be asked for it by the technician. Once I give my service code to the technician I am then informed that I have reached the wrong department. So once more I calmly ask to be transferred to the correct department. After entering my express service code and then being asked for it once again I am told I have reached the wrong department. This has happened so many times, I fear if I must enter my code into the phone anew, my keypad will disintegrate from overuse.
I have been transferred to every department in your company, save the one I actually need. My total time spent with your tech support is now approaching ten hours and I have yet to talk to a person who resides within the borders of this vast country. I have been given more 1-800 numbers than will fit in my rolodex not to mention extension numbers. I have been disconnected nine times and I am currently holding for what will most likely be the wrong department. I have done all the same troubleshooting techniques with five different technicians, received two separate case numbers and a dispatch number. Now the question is, is there actually a dispatch department? My educated guess would be NO! I have been transferred to the dispatch department four times and counting yet the funny thing is I still have not reached them. Instead I talked to someone in government accounts, desktops, home user accounts, and I am expecting the next person I talk to will work for Hewlett-Packard. Where else could you possibly transfer me to in your company?
Could this be the end of my suffering? Sadly no, once again I am in the wrong department. I have also gotten the extension number of two supervisors in case I get disconnected. But, as you have probably guessed neither extension number is valid. When I enter them; I get an automated response informing I have entered the wrong number and I will be disconnected.
You people at Dell really need to get it together; your service department is making a mockery of your once prestigious company. It is ironic that a technology company does not possess the adequate technology to service even the most basic of customer needs. I hope to hear from you soon and expect you will be implementing sweeping changes throughout your company. In addition to sending this e-mail to you I am also forwarding this to everyone I know. In fact the copy I am sending to everyone else, I will make into one of those annoying chain e-mails in order to reach the largest audience possible. Oh, and for the record, I got disconnected once more while completing this paragraph.

Thank you for appearing to care,
Sam King
sdking@wsu.edu

P.S.
Please do not send me a form letter response, I find them highly offensive.