saturday

it was saturday. the rain and the sun traded blows, each trying to establish dominance. but this battle was an afterthought, only an atmosphere with which to hold the ensuing battle. the real struggle was all mental and thus it took precedence in my troubled mind. saturday's conflict was not as cut and dry as the classic skirmishes our society has afforded us. for, in this scene the lines between good and evil, between right and wrong, between black and white were all blurred. instead there was only a murky grey. good was evil and evil was not definable.

saturday was a flash back. but this was no mental snapshot, instead i was physically thrust into an all-too-real shadow of my haunting past. a past that brings restless nights, empty days, and surprising moments of confusing anger. time and its intrinsic healing ability has rounded off the edges and numbed the acuteness. yet there is no amount of time that will ever erase these scars.

in a moment, i am undone. time and all its power mean nothing. clarity is lost and i am once again left to make black and white out of grey. somehow, your delusions transcend everyone present, yet they baffle me. will you ever see the world beyond your mind? the world in which you are wrong; the world in which the pain you inflict is visible not to me but to you?

to me, this will never make sense. to you, there was never any sense to make. in grey you see black as white and wrong as right. your pride holds your humility and your pleasure, pain. your lies are infallible, to you, they are truth.

saturday is gone and my innocence is lost. saturday is gone and your innocence is reassured. somehow, someway, you win. you brought awareness to my pain. you forced me to assign words to your delusions. you confirmed my fears; your words still hurt. i told myself you meant nothing but saturday melted my indifference leaving me in speechless horror as it became water running through my hands.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

here stupid, have some candy...

i like giving candy to dumb people because they really like it. it makes them feel good because it is sweet and it makes me feel good because they are dumb. dumb people are nice. i guess you don't have to be dumb to be nice. when i tell people they are dumb it is because it makes me feel nice. but then i feel dumb for not being nice. i guess you don't have to be mean to be be smart. i think i will stop being mean and just try to be dumb. then maybe i will give myself some candy because i am dumb and i really like it. that will make me feel good because i gave candy to a dumb person. i don't think there is anything wrong with being dumb, that is why i am doing it. being dumb is fun. do you think it is wrong to be dumb? well you are a biggot and that is worse than being dumb. at least dumb people like candy. biggots just sit around and hate people. candy is better than hate. if you tell me i am dumb, i will tell you that you are dumb and that you should give me some candy because it is good.

is today my tomorrow?

The complexity that surrounds me is overwhelming. In search of understanding I find confusion. What ever happened to simplicity? And for what reason do I even pose these questions? Have I become identical to a much older man longing for the good old days? I am too young to have lived out the best part of my life and yet this may very well be the case. Will I let it be? Can I change this; or have I too become like so many before me? Am I now a member of the growing crowd of has beens?

Unfortunately, be it laziness, indiffernce or just plain apathy, I am not an overachiever. I have never been first in line; I refuse to sit in the front row of a class; and I certainly would never choose to exert more effort than was absolutely necessary. Yet here I am hard at work on this sacred manuscript, it’s a bit puzzling to say the least. I have never seen the point of trying hard, after all the disappointment I have tasted it appears that extra effort leads to extra disappointment. Perhaps this paints a negative picture of me. Oh well; who likes a realist anyway?

I will concede that exerting extra effort can be rewarding but the benefits are much shorter lived than we imagine. Who cares whether you get ahead anyway, once you reach your goal another conquest awaits you. There has to be a way out of this cycle, I cannot allow myself to believe life is nothing but a journey to a journey. Are we nothing but hamsters, endlessly spinning our exercise wheels? We are the most advanced species on the planet and yet here we are mimicking animals with brains the size of a peanut.

Go ahead, dive into your seventy hour week, bring your work home, and take on that extra project. Perhaps you, unlike the rest of us, will find some sort of vindication in success. Yet that triumph, like every other feat before it is as short lived as your popularity in high school. Each pinnacle on our journey is greeted with an equally opposite counterpart. At times the aforementioned low point is found in the inherent let down that defines a pinnacle. Yet worse than these repeated valleys is when that elusive pinnacle becomes our plateau.

How many times have we reached the top only to find there is no higher to climb? Once you have conquered Mount Everest, what more can be done? It is not in the valleys that we find the most unrest, for in the trenches there is always the hope of rising to the top again. Life’s biggest disappointment is found on top of the world. The higher one climbs, the more painful this reality becomes. So what is one to do, when our highs become our new lows and in our lows we find the motivation to fight again? Is there any way out? Can we break the cycle of perpetual disappointment? Or is that very sadness we have come to hate so much the only thing that defines fulfillment?

It is depressing to think that opposite emotions are necessary to define each other. In order to taste the sweetest emotion that can be felt one must also taste bitterness. Unfortunately, we can not do away with pain, frustration, and emptiness. Without them there would be no happiness, no peace, and no satisfaction. Are we then doomed,? Is repetition of previous emotions our fate? If this is the case then how can things possibly get better? What is left to look forward to?

Sigh...I think that reads a little heavy. I guess I will just leave you all with that for now. I am just trying to do my part to give you your daily downer. Ha...goodnight all, I got an eleven hour work day on deck.

Oh...what do you think of my capitalization today? Thought I would give it a whirl; let me know if you have a preference. (or don't; who am I kidding no one cares)

genius....

so this is a little late; but hey, better late than never. to make those of you who had a completely uneventful weekend jealous, let me tell you about mine. besides all the other amazing stuff i did, allow me to whet your appetite with the high point. i went to a tsunami benefit show at the showbox. it featured dave bazan of pedro the lion, james mercer of the shins, and yes, ben gibbard of death cab for cutie and the postal service. wow, what an event, thanks to my buddy greg, i did not miss this event.

anyway, after hearing the brilliance of two of the best songwriters of our day, ben gibbard took the stage. inferiority ensued. i was flabbergasted. yes, i have listened to all of his songs a thousand time. yes, i have long been impressed with his lyrical genius. and yes seeing him live was nothing new to me. yet on this night it was. i stumbled upon a new found respect for his craft.

as the words poured out of his mouth, all his thoughts were bared anew. his troubled soul became the burden of all his captive audience. soon we were all sucked into his mind, sharing in his thoughts, and finding solace in his introspection. granted belly-button gazing has become trendy of late, but as ben gibbbard worked through his set, he made every other self-absorbed singer-songwriter look foolish.

so what am i saying...hmmm. i guess there comes these times in life when somebody says something that makes you feel simultaneously stupid and inspired. in these moments one is torn...should i wallow in my stupidity or strive for brilliance? these moments come without warning; the first time you read romeo and juliet, two minutes after a charlie kaufman film, and yes, all the way through a live performance by ben gibbard.

so here i am blogging away. am i knocking on the door to my own brilliance? is my babble something that strikes anyone to the core? ha! hardly. yet i will continue. perhaps someday, i will make it to the list of the bright minds of my day. however, striving for that is most likely counter-productive. oh well what-ever nevermind.

meaning...? a mile wide and an inch deep

i’m in, i’m out
what now, just doubt
it is not right
so what, no fight

can’t elude me
so what, you see
this is the end
but i begin

i write, you read
my thoughts impede
what hope, what smile
can’t walk this mile

you laugh, i cry
you’re what i try
i am not me
who cares, won’t be

no fight, I sit
what’s left to get
step back, silence
mental violence

mind, an ocean
no emotion
am i disturbed
escape deferred

one more, one less
eyes shut no rest
i can’t, i won’t
say please just don’t

evade, go on
i’m just a pawn
trust this, it’s right
my star-crossed light

ha, doublespeak
my truth, so weak
its all i’ve got
for naught i fought

so i should probably post something...

i am trying to keep this thing up to date. so here is a post...about nothing. i guess when you sit down to write and you have nothing to say then nothing comes out. wasted time, wasted space, wasted breath, and wasted...punctuation. why am i doing this? is it for you or is it for me? am i using this medium to pour out my thoughts to a facelss reader or to employ over-used cliches to make my otherwise emotionless face form that ever elusive smirk. maybe I just want to make you laugh or think? if that is my intention it does not come from benevolence. if i am seeking your reaction i am doing nothing more than filling some emptiness in myself. noble! i know, my selfless motives are often admired by many. so why? what am i doing?

i digress, did you know that laptops can make you sterile? so here i sit with my laptop perched atop a pillow, hoping that a mere two inches of foam will somehow protect my future lineage. why, because i am that sucker that believes the propaganda they put on this here world wide web. a sucker is born every minute.

still nothing, i string together words and say, well...nothing. i hope to master this art soon, to sit, to type, to write. but why? what is it i seek in this? in anything? oh pensive author, why the narcissism? why the introspection? why...?

chain e-mails...

does anyone else get chain e-mails? does anyone else hate them? well here is my response to the most recent one i got?

Whoever you are:

So, I came across one of those stupid chain mail letters in my inbox today. You know, the one's that tell some sappy story that someone with too much time on their hands has concocted. After reading through the list of innocent bystanders this e-mail has been forwarded to I came to the conclusion that you are quite possibly the originator of this waste of words. Since I have always hated these I have finally decided to retaliate. I, unlike those poor superstitious souls who receive these things, will not contribute to the further circulation of this e-mail. But there are a few things I really want to know.

Is this elaborate tale of a poor outcast eventually rising above his peers to be "a cool kid" true? Most likely not, my guess is you just make it up to help placate the rejection you have previously encountered. Don't delude yourself into believing that some event created in the fictitious caverns of your mind will make things better.

I am also dying to know why you must include threats at the bottom of your "inspirational message." People pass these stories on to their friends in order to make themselves feel better. "Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU." If you are truly friends of those you send this to, you would not need them to send it back to validate that relationship. How shallow is that? In addition, I can not remember the last time I threatened one of my close friends. You have some nerve to first require your friends to validate your friendship and then heaping guilt upon those who do not continue spreading this crap around the web like a disease.

Why must I send this on to my friends? What are you hoping to accomplish? Why do you implore me to waste their time as you have done with mine? Do you get a paycheck if enough people read this? Did you think everyone would be entertained by this work of fiction? Well you're wrong.

If you were not the originator of this, I am sorry to have unloaded years of frustration on you. But please don't tell me you actually fell for this story and that it made you feel all warm inside. Haven't the abundance of these things made you smart enough to see through them? Are they honestly that good, that you feel you must continue to spread them? I don't foresee a Pulitzer for the authors of any of these stories.

Forgive me; I am just sick of this stuff in my e-mail inbox. To me it is worse than spam because it comes from someone I know so I cannot mark it as spam. And then my confidential e-mail address is floating around out there for all the world to see. Today I get sappy stories, tomorrow I will be inundated with, penis enhancements, free credit cards, cheap Viagra, discount cigarettes, and more lonely singles than I could entertain in a lifetime. Is that what you want for your friends? Is this some subtle way of telling me that my penis is in fact too small, that you want me buried in credit card debt, that I should take up smoking because you are hooking me up with cheap cigs, that my flaccidity somehow bothers you, and that my wife is not good enough, so I must re-enter the lonely world bouncing aimlessly among the millions of singles that are "just right" for me? If so, I am sorry you feel that way "friend."

Take Care,

Sam

kingsam@gmail.com

WARNING:
PASS THIS ON TO TEN OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. HELP THEM KEEP OTHER CHAIN MAILS FROM SPREADING BY SPREADING THIS ONE. IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS TO ANYONE IT MEANS YOU HATE THEM AND HOPE BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THEM. BY DELETING THIS YOU WILL SET INTO MOTION THE CHAIN OF EVENTS THAT WILL BRING ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD.

if you don't know now you know

35 Facts you were perfectly happy not knowing…

1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only US state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous" - tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
25. Some dragonflies have a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand

delayed

I flew home today; my flight was delayed but eventually i made it. with all the time i have spent in airports recently i have grown rather fond of them. granted, i have always liked airports, but my recent airport stint has highlighted my fondness of these meccas of travel. airports are like snapshots of the world, you have hundreds of different people groups represented. people with a million different plans, business, pleasure, escape, and reunion. its so fascinating, a convergence of people, who would never have anything to do with each other. i could say so much more but i am tired...home at last, i love seattle. goodnight.