Dell Sux Worse

To anyone in your company with half a brain:
Hello it is me again; I am now amidst day two of my unsuccessful attempt to acquire helpful service from your technical support department. After spending over five hours on the phone yesterday I have gotten no further than square one. I was transferred to over twenty different departments only to be transferred yet again. My experience last night culminated in being disconnected for the third time. Now I have become wise to the ignorance of your service department and today I came prepared to weather another five hour journey to nowhere. This time I am accompanied by a bottle of sunscreen so I can use this time to add some color to my ghostly pale complexion. I have also brought with me a bottle of wine to pass the time and help take the edge off the “please wait” voice that interrupts my otherwise silent hold time on twenty second intervals. However, judging by my experience thus far today, a single bottle was a gross underestimation of necessity.
I am also eagerly awaiting your promised response to the e-mail I sent you yesterday. I guess the six to twelve hour response time was an underestimation on your part. Perhaps my feeble attempts to make light of my experience yesterday have led to widespread chaos within your organization. I am assuming Michael Dell must have called an emergency board meeting to address this issue once and for all and in doing so your e-mail writing department came to a screeching halt in order to observe a day of mourning for my service department tragedy. If this is the case, please let me know so I can stop checking my inbox, my finger is getting sore from clicking refresh.
I have yet to raise my voice as I am generally a very nice person and see this as an inferior method of communication employed by those who like to mimic the heritage of their more primitive ancestors also referred to as apes. In fact I am so laid back that my, “all is well all the time,” outlook on life is often mistaken for apathy. So the fact that I have taken the effort to construct another e-mail to you only accentuates the magnitude of this problem. Never before have I been so inspired to write; maybe if we continue this unfortunate relationship I will gain from you the long needed drive to write a book called Dealing With Dell: How to Overcome Imposed Depression and Get Results From a Brick Wall; subtitled Walking on Water not Just for Jesus Anymore. I realize you will expect royalties for the use of your namesake; yet I think we could work out an arrangement where the royalties you would receive could retroactively reimburse me for my pain and suffering.
Since I obviously have an infinite amount of time, allow me to offer some suggestions. I apologize if any of my suggestions are repetitive, yet it seems unnecessary repetition is something your tech department is very fond of. What is the point of having an express service code? There is nothing express about it. The only feasible reason for the term “express” in your label is to describe the expressions you evoke which are usually reserved for getting your foot run over by an eighteen wheeler. I find it exceptionally pointless to be asked to enter a code into my keypad with every erroneous transfer only to be asked for it by the technician. Once I give my service code to the technician I am then informed that I have reached the wrong department. So once more I calmly ask to be transferred to the correct department. After entering my express service code and then being asked for it once again I am told I have reached the wrong department. This has happened so many times, I fear if I must enter my code into the phone anew, my keypad will disintegrate from overuse.
I have been transferred to every department in your company, save the one I actually need. My total time spent with your tech support is now approaching ten hours and I have yet to talk to a person who resides within the borders of this vast country. I have been given more 1-800 numbers than will fit in my rolodex not to mention extension numbers. I have been disconnected nine times and I am currently holding for what will most likely be the wrong department. I have done all the same troubleshooting techniques with five different technicians, received two separate case numbers and a dispatch number. Now the question is, is there actually a dispatch department? My educated guess would be NO! I have been transferred to the dispatch department four times and counting yet the funny thing is I still have not reached them. Instead I talked to someone in government accounts, desktops, home user accounts, and I am expecting the next person I talk to will work for Hewlett-Packard. Where else could you possibly transfer me to in your company?
Could this be the end of my suffering? Sadly no, once again I am in the wrong department. I have also gotten the extension number of two supervisors in case I get disconnected. But, as you have probably guessed neither extension number is valid. When I enter them; I get an automated response informing I have entered the wrong number and I will be disconnected.
You people at Dell really need to get it together; your service department is making a mockery of your once prestigious company. It is ironic that a technology company does not possess the adequate technology to service even the most basic of customer needs. I hope to hear from you soon and expect you will be implementing sweeping changes throughout your company. In addition to sending this e-mail to you I am also forwarding this to everyone I know. In fact the copy I am sending to everyone else, I will make into one of those annoying chain e-mails in order to reach the largest audience possible. Oh, and for the record, I got disconnected once more while completing this paragraph.

Thank you for appearing to care,
Sam King
sdking@wsu.edu

P.S.
Please do not send me a form letter response, I find them highly offensive.

Dell Sux

To my good friends at DELL:
My problem is with the grossly inefficient system you use in your service department. After an infinite series of transfers between wrong departments, several hours, and countless services code entries I have gotten absolutely nowhere. It seems my admiration and long time praise of Dell were sadly misplaced. Does anyone in your service department have any idea where they are transferring me or is my call just being haphazardly bounced around the earth like some unfortunate global super-ball? I am now experiencing jet lag due to the lengthy world travel I have participated in during this phone call. By the sounds of things I have been to India, China, Great Britain, and either Chile or Iceland, I am still having trouble deciphering the accent of my latest assistant. I am hoping that we can make into my own country before dawn.
I have long been a loyal customer of Dell and have always been pleased with their products. However, it seems like Mr. Michael Dell has lost touch with the daily happenings of his company. What was once heralded as one of the most efficient companies in modern time has become a service dinosaur. The runaround I am currently experiencing makes calling the IRS hotline a walk in the park. I am tempted to trade in my Inspiron 600M for a pad and paper. How come when I have a problem with my Big-Mac the 16 year old kid behind the counter can offer a quick and timely solution; yet when dealing with your “technology” company no one working there has a clue what is going on? Granted the issue is a bit more complex, yet the McEmployee is definitely superior in customer service.
As my patience wanes with the incessant wait I have begun wondering if perhaps there is a deeper purpose to my wait. Perhaps this is fate’s sadistic way of illustrating that we American’s lead a much too demanding lifestyle. Thanks to your tech support I am now basking in this much needed down time. I cannot recall the last time I was able to sit in one place for more than three consecutive hours. I think you should allocate some of your massive R&D budget to “R-ing and D-ing” your customer support system. Please wait…..please wait…..please wait…..please wait. This is ridiculous. Mind you, this is being written in hour three of my futile attempts to get my computer fixed. Maybe by the time we get to the bottom of my problem, I will have a book.
First of all, what is the point of having me enter my express service code at the beginning of every single transfer only to be asked for my service code when I finally make it off hold? Doesn’t it seem logical to you that my service code would transfer along with my phone calls? With the volume of calls you get and the number of transfers your employees make you could save millions in long distance fees by eliminating this onerous step. Since you are listening I have an even better idea. Why not cut the number of transfers down to one by simply transferring me to the appropriate department for the first time. Genius!
Well, I guess I better not waste any more of your time as I am sure you have a whole cue of frustrated patrons like myself waiting to talk to someone who can actually offer assistance. I suggest you make some changes to your service department before you make Mac users out of all of us.
P.S.
Could you please add some variety to the music and messages on hold; the repetition is killing me. Also, if you could forward this to Michael Dell, I am sure he would appreciate my correspondence. Oh NOOOOO! I just got disconnected, now I have to start this whole process over.